How to Help a Friend Who Has Been Through a Traumatic Event: Be a Friend

Do you have a friend who has been through a traumatic event? You probably want to help your friend, but may not know what to do or say.

Simply being there as his or her friend is one of the best ways to help your friend. Your kindness, compassion and caring attitude will do more to help a traumatized friend than you realize. Just being there for him or her can also mean a lot, especially if you have been friends for a long time. He or she needs to know and feel unconditional love on your part, regardless of his or her traumatic situation.

Major and minor trauma and traumatic events happen every day, often when they are the least expected.  A truly good friend will be supportive and loving, not demeaning or accusatory to the one traumatized.

Acts of violence like robberies or rape are traumatic events in which a friend can become a victim. Avoid blaming the victim as that is not helping a traumatized friend.

“It is your fault!”

That is the last thing a friend needs to hear after personal trauma or traumatic events take place. This is not the time to play the get-even or the blame game, even though that often happens. Negative expressions can cut like a knife, so be careful what you say. Someone reacting like that may not be a true friend.

“I told you so!” or “I warned you” are not appropriate expressions either, as they may traumatize your friend even further. The last thing that you want to do is to hurt someone who is already hurting.

Trauma affects people on many different levels, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. Understanding that all of those realms function together is important. What affects one realm affects the others, as well. It is important to understand which realm is affected.

What kind of help does your traumatized friend need? You may need to use good judgment and discernment, at all times.

For example, a car accident has occurred and your friend needs an ambulance. You may need to administer first aid. You can help your friend by calling 911. You can also find his or her identification and list any medications that he or she is on, while waiting for an ambulance. He or she may need a blanket, if cold or shivering because of the cold. Write down the events of the accident for your friend. Help him or her find driver’s license and insurance documents.

The traumatized person may also be in a temporary state of shock and react by yelling, swearing, crying or getting angry with those around him or her. This is a normal reaction after traumatic events, so regard it as such. Be aware that a true friendship will not end because of a reaction to trauma. As time passes, the traumatized person will probably become apologetic and forgiveness may be necessary.

When trauma results in a death, it is appropriate to express empathy, sympathy, love and concern. Offer to be of assistance, if possible and then, make certain that you follow through on it by helping your friend whenever you can.

Maybe begin by sending a card. “I am sorry,” or “I am sorry for your loss,” is appropriate when there has been a death because acknowledging a friend’s loss is important. Even a good friend may not always know what to say. “May I offer my condolences?” is appropriate.

A hug, a kiss on the cheek, putting an arm around a friend or holding a traumatized friend’s hand, can help to comfort or console him or her. Try offering a drink of water or cup of coffee, a sandwich or bowl of soup, as that may be comforting, although someone traumatized may not want to eat or drink, at that time.

Laughing or poking fun at someone recently traumatized or injured is always inappropriate. The circumstances may appear to be funny. Maybe you are attempting to make your friend see the humorous side of what has happened. Perhaps you are trying to make your friend laugh at him or herself. If not understood as such, it can result in alienation that ends the friendship permanently. For example, your friend has fallen through a lawn chair. He or she may have suffered an injury to his or her back. It may appear funny, but is laughter appropriate?

Love is the best way to help a friend who has been through a traumatic event. This means love that is unconditional and consistent in respect to the thoughts and feelings of the traumatized person. You may offer to pray for that person or to contact a counselor, chaplain, minister or priest on his or her behalf. At times, a psychologist or psychiatrist can help resolve long-term effects of traumatic events.

Being a helper to a friend both during and after a traumatic event is important. A traumatized friend may not know what to say or do. He or she may be in a state of panic, frustration and depression. Your friend’s first reaction may be to run. Fight, flight or sudden paralysis that results in inaction are fear-based reactions. He or she may also be tired and only want to sleep.

There may be times when silence is the best way to be a helper. At other times, offering simple directives is a good idea, particularly if that person seems confused after a traumatic event, like a swimming pool accident. 

Make certain that when necessary, the traumatized person receives the medical assistance and guidance needed. Your friend may have to go to the hospital emergency department for diagnosis and treatment. Contacting family members for your friend can be helpful. Children may need care and you can assist in that way.

If you were the subject of a traumatic event, how would you expect or want your friend to react? Your own instincts, thoughts and ideas can lead you to help your traumatized friend.

Simply be a helper.