How to Deal With Survivor's Guilt: God is in Control

There has been a fatal accident and your life has been spared, while someone else lost his or her life.

“You survived!” says one person. “Thank God!”

Suddenly, the one person who you expect to be the most concerned, caring and compassionate, becomes exactly the opposite. He or she turns mean, nasty or abusive, screaming, “You should have been the one who died. The wrong person died.”

This can be a difficult statement to deal with because you may feel that way, too.

“It is your fault!”

In reality, depending upon the circumstance, you may never know whether something you said or did, was a contributing factor to someone else’s death.

“Why was your life spared?”

You may not understand why. Others may feel the same way, particularly when that other person has been particularly kind or benevolent with respect to others.

Having been seriously traumatized, you are not anticipating a negative or adverse response, reaction or accusation from anyone, much less from someone you know and love.

(Inwardly, you may have thought he or she loved you too, and that still may be true.)

This kind of a reaction is the last thing you want to happen or need, at this time. In spite of the reality that you have suffered trauma, now you have to deal with survivor’s guilt. You survived. Should you feel guilty for surviving?

There may or may not be justifiable guilt on your part. Regardless, the one hitting out at you is blaming you for the other person’s death. You may even tend to blame yourself, even when there is no justifiable guilt on your part.

“If only…” you might say to yourself. “If I had not been there, this would never have happened.”

“Why did I survive?” you may ask yourself, not understanding why you lived, against all possible odds and someone else died.

Being a survivor can be traumatic, particularly if you are a lone survivor, where many others have died.

Coping with survivor’s guilt is never easy for anyone. Dealing with the negative reactions of others to a death or multiple deaths, can be extremely difficult.

How can you, as a survivor, handle survivor’s guilt?

First, deal only with reality. Someone has died and death like birth, is part of everyone’s life scenario. 

Recognize the fact that death is invariably a traumatic event for everyone.  

You may be partly responsible or guilty of something that resulted in another’s death. At the same time, you may not be responsible or guilty for the other person’s death. How others regard you may not necessarily be an accurate perception on their part. They may see or know things that you do not know. You may never be aware of all of the facts; they may never know them either.

When the guilt is on your shoulders, it is up to you to accept the guilt and bear the burden or responsibility for it or to refuse to accept it when guilt is not justified.  

When you are not guilty in a particular situation, what should you do?  Should you feel guilty because you survived and someone else did not? 

Remember that life is full of different kinds of events and people lose their lives unexpectedly, in many different traumatic and non-traumatic ways.

Be aware that how people react to the death of others can be very different. Some experience a feeling of loss. Another typical reaction is anger. Sometimes, the anger reaction is so violent people strike out at one another physically, as well as emotionally. Other typical grief reactions can be feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and despair. Depression may set in.    

Those who want to play the blame game may target you senselessly and needlessly. What they do or say may have no relationship to the actual event that has unfolded.

Be aware that they may be trying to learn the truth and thus be lamb-basting you, so to speak, in a serious effort on their part to uncover evidence that they suspect is hidden or suppressed. If you have gained anything from another’s death, you may be a suspect.   

“I have never inherited anything from a person who died,” says someone who is jealous because your received something that he or she did not.

In some ways, people tend to cover up their own guilt feelings. What they did or did not do in relation to events that have happened or are unfolding, can be part of how they react to your situation. You may never know what guilt they bear. They may be blaming themselves, at least in part.     

“If we had not done this….”

“If only we had done that.”

Is it always necessary to clear your name and your reputation?

That may not even be possible. You may have to wear the label of guilt for something that you did not do, for the rest of your life. Sometimes, it may be possible to clear your name, but remember that once your reputation has been smeared or tainted in a negative manner, you may have to live with the reality that there are those who consider you guilty.

Whether you are actually guilty or not, does not really matter to some people. You were there and thus were part of the scenario. That makes you guilty in their eyes. You may even have tried to do everything that you possibly could do to save someone’s life.

“You didn’t save that person’s life did you?”

In other words, “It is your fault that he or she died.”

People can be or become extremely cruel to those who have tried to save someone’s life. (Ask nurses and doctors about that.) To deal with the kinds of situations where there is the loss of life, it is often easier to blame the person who was there, than to deal with the reality of the situation. Many times, the facts are unknown and if they were, there would be no accusations or blame.

A person subjected to unjustifiable guilt can suffer severe emotional trauma on top of the actual traumatic event itself. Others may forget that you have suffered loss, too. Entire families may become alienated. 

Relationships can be broken down temporarily or even permanently because of a death.  

It is often easier to label one person as an albatross and force them out of their family or community, than to deal with the reality of what has happened. Families and communities may band together, accuse and abuse the person perceived as guilty, even though he or she is innocent.

“Should they not be supportive?” you wonder. “Where is their compassion?”

Remember that everyone tries to play God to some extent and passes judgment on others. They also harbor fear with respect to their own lives.

The Bible deals with guilt that is justified by suggesting that anyone who is guilty of anything, can take it to the cross knowing that the blood of Jesus covers and erases all guilt forever. Anyone unjustifiably accused of guilt can go to the cross and claim forgiveness for his or her accusers. 

“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”  Luke 23:34    

Should you feel guilty for surviving? No.

Remember that your life is in the hands of God. He gives and takes life, with or without your consent, or understanding. Your life is not always in your own hands or the hands of others. Ultimately, God is in control.