Losing a Loved One

Appropriate versus inappropriate grief responses

Losing a loved one is never easy, but how one deals with losing a loved one is important in terms of life and future relationships. Many family relationships and other relationships, can be irreparably and permanently damaged by the inappropriate responses by others, who are reacting to the pending death or to death of a loved one.

Many people become cruel and unkind to others, when they become aware of a close family member or a friend, diagnosed with a terminal illness or who   has died. This can be due to their own sorrow, anger, frustration or feelings of helplessness.

In turn, they will hit out at others cruelly, brutally and relentlessly. This may be perceived as a cry for help by them, but in another sense, it is the way they chose to deal with the stress of others dying and how they cope with the actual death, when it happens.

Terminal illness and death are issues every human being has to confront, in his or her lifetime. It may be his or her illness and death that must be dealt with or it may be that which involves others like grandparents, parents, other family members who are close or distant relatives, friends or acquaintances. This can be more difficult when it involves the terminal illness or the death of a child.

Grief is a personal reaction to a terminal illness or a death. It can take on many different faces, phases and expressions, some of which are appropriate, but many which are not appropriate.

Understanding the grief process can help relieve the stressful situation immensely. There is no easy way to deal with grief, but unless it is dealt with rightly and appropriately, it can and will affect the lives of other people, in the future.

The words, deeds and actions of the person who is grieving, can cut to the core with respect to the lives of the person or people, who the grief stricken person feels they need to hurt, for whatever reason. This may or may not be deserved by the other person who is victimized because of the terminal illness or death.

Look at some of the inappropriate expressions of grief.

Hurting others in any way, intentionally or unintentionally, particularly family members, friends or those who you love, is never an appropriate expression of a grief reaction; neither is hurting those who you don't love. Your grief is your grief and not theirs. They do not need to be hurt by you, just because you are hurting. They may be the ones trying to help you. Do not shut them out or cause them emotional pain because you are in pain for whatever reason.

Dredging up old feelings, hurt, frustration, anger, failures, imperfections, flaws, weaknesses, disabilities or painful memories is never appropriate when one is grieving.

Fighting over material things or belongings is not an appropriate expression of grief, but it is common to see families and friends openly fighting over possessions and wills, even before the person who has a terminal illness has passed on.

Failure to notify or not telling certain people including family members, friends or others when someone has a terminal illness or has passed away, is not an appropriate grief response. They might need to say goodbye in their own way. You are not the only one who is losing someone. They are also, even if only from a distance.

Omitting or forgetting to include others intentionally or unintentionally, from services, funerals, family gatherings or dinners, candlelight vigils, or in whatever way others are left out, is an inappropriate expression of grief. Remember that the others who are left out might need to grieve. It is not just you that is grieving a loss.

Scape goating one particular person, when someone is terminally ill or has recently passed away, is not appropriate in terms of an expression of grief. No one person is responsible for what happens with another person's life. If someone is being scape goated, it becomes obvious that there is a problem, but it is probably not with that person. The entire family or community needs to examine what is happening.

Scape goating is an ancient practice that involved cleansing a family or a community by putting all of the blame for whatever, on one person and then driving that person designated as a scape goat, out of the community.

Scapegoating is not a Christian practice and indicates unbelief in Christ and the forgiveness of sins. Christ died for all and for all of time and eternity. There is no scape goating in true Christian circles.

Fighting, arguing, beating others up, isolating them or abusing them in any way, is never appropriate in terms of the grieving process, but it happens all of the time. It is not unusual to see someone who is disabled or someone who has been injured in the past or someone who has just lost their job, being abused by others, when someone is terminally ill or has died.

Quite often children or animals are abused by those who are grieving during the various stages in the grief process. This abuse may be open or hidden by the abuser. Either way, it is not an appropriate expression of grief.

Refusing to allow others to participate in a wake, celebratory meal or vigil can be cruel and is inappropriate in terms of expressions of grief. Everyone should be invited and included and if they are not, there is something wrong with the grief expression of those who are grieving or those who have done the organizing and the planning. It is not unusual to see some family members locked out of services, funerals or dinners, because they are perceived as being unworthy by others.

Remember that you who are grieving might get away with inappropriate responses to grief, but in the long run, you will have to live with what you do to others when you are grieving, so grieve in appropriate ways and you will be glad that you did.

Also be aware that you may need those same people around you, if you become terminally ill. Your family or friends may need them as well, should you pass away.

Find appropriate expressions of grief which manifest love for one another. Teach and help others to do the same.

The most appropriate form of expression is to pray that God will send you and all of the others who are grieving, His Comforter, as He has promised in His Word. Remember the miracle of the Resurrection.

Remember that love always wins and that you will be remembered and loved for the love that you show. 

Your inappropriate expressions of grief may or may not be forgotten and forgiven by others.

Losing a loved one is never easy, but it can offer a new appreciation of life and the renewal of relationships that we have with others.